Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Read online

  Trauma Symptom: Avoidance - Trying to avoid future pain by attempting to control the partner’s addiction, engaging in recovery activities, numbing your feelings or choosing denial (We believe each of the symptoms is an attempt to avoid more pain.)

  Example: You may attempt to avoid the pain by seeing your partner’s addictive behaviors as your fault and setting out to do more to make the other person happy. You might schedule counseling appointments for your partner, set the addicted person up with a sponsor or accountability colleague and give him or her all the latest books on sex addiction to read. You may believe that if you do enough, the addicted partner will stop and you will be safe.

  Co-Addiction Trait: Compromise or Loss of Self - Changing yourself to please the addict

  Trauma Symptom: Avoidance - Feelings of detachment, numbness or denial, avoiding activities or other reminders of the event, resulting in loss of self. Many men and women tell us, “I’m not even the same person anymore.”

  Example: In order to avoid facing your partner’s addiction, you may attempt to change him by changing yourself. You may alter your looks, the way you dress or style your hair. You may engage in sexual acts that leave you feeling uncomfortable or dirty. You may shut down and not tell him how you feel, because when you do it produces conflict and painful memories that you want to avoid.

  Co-Addiction Trait: Blame and Punishment - Anger, blame

  Trauma Symptom: Arousal - Intense psychological distress, irritability, efforts to control the environment

  Example: Your rage is stronger than anything you’ve experienced before and it doesn’t seem to end. You use your anger as a weapon to hurt your partner or shame him/her into faithfulness. You blame him/her for everything wrong in your marriage, even areas where you share responsibility.

  Co-Addiction Trait: Sexual Reactivity - Impulse to shut down sexually

  Trauma Symptoms: Arousal - Hypervigilant behaviors, attempts to control one’s environment, intense psychological distress

  Re-experiencing - Recurrent, intrusive recollections and thoughts

  Avoidance - Avoiding activities and other reminders of the event

  Example: You don’t want to be sexual with your partner. When you engage in sexual relations with him or her, you imagine that he or she has been with people in the pictures he or she has viewed. You have difficulty with nudity in your partner’s presence, even though before your discovery of the addiction you found it easy to undress in front of him or her. You find it difficult to watch television programs or movies together, because you fear a sex scene will appear and your partner will act it out in his or her mind or use it later when he or she has sex with you.

  The addiction model says that when a partner checks the computer for new evidence, he or she is attempting to control the addict’s behavior and could be considered a codependent. A trauma perspective says the partner is scanning his or her environment for signs that the source of the previous trauma has returned and he or she is in danger. This is akin to searching for strangers in the backseat of one’s car in the weeks after being carjacked. Doing so is a normal response to such trauma. No one would label a carjacking victim’s behavior as signs of disease. They would say the crime victim is reacting in predictable, understandable, safety-seeking ways following a traumatic and fearful event.

  The addiction model says that when a man or woman no longer feels comfortable having sex with his or her addicted partner, he or she is “shutting down” sexually. The trauma model says the person is seeking to avoid uncomfortable memories of the traumatic event and is working to regain a sense of control over his or her own body and choices. This is like a sexual assault victim avoiding places or situations similar to the place where he or she was assaulted. Again, this is a normal trauma response as one seeks to remain safe in a potentially dangerous situation.

  The addiction model says that when a partner continues to fixate on the addict’s behaviors, he or she is obsessively preoccupied with the addict. The trauma perspective sees the same thought patterns as intrusive thoughts and memories of the trauma. Imagine a sexual abuse survivor who has trouble controlling his or her memories of the abuse being told he or she is obsessively preoccupied with the abuse, when in fact he or she is experiencing unwanted memories or flashbacks that remain beyond one’s control!

  In the trauma model, we choose to view the partner as one who has experienced significant life trauma due to the discovery that a loved one has sexually betrayed the partner and the partner responds in ways common to trauma survivors. The partner’s behaviors are his or her best attempts to regain a sense of safety and control in life (although these attempts may or may not actually work). Later in the book, we’ll talk about how the partner can shift from actions that don’t help to those that do.

  On A Personal Note: What are you feeling and thinking as you compare your “symptoms” with those of someone with post-traumatic stress? What behaviors or symptoms do you see in yourself that you now understand may stem from your trauma?

  A New Definition of Codependency

  We define codependency in this manner:

  I’m codependent when I feel driven to control you, another person or a situation for my gain; or to control who holds the power; or to project a better self-image so I feel better about myself and how others view me. However, when those same behaviors follow a traumatic emotional or physiological injury and are used to prevent further harm to one’s self or to maintain one’s safety, we label those behaviors as natural responses to trauma.

  It’s as if we are looking at the same behaviors or feelings in two different ways. We’ve come to see it as having two pairs of glasses on our desks. If we wear the co-addiction glasses, a partner will appear co-addicted. However, if we wear the trauma glasses, he or she will clearly be experiencing post-traumatic stress.

  Simply put, we reframe your symptoms as responses to the trauma you’ve experienced as a result of your partner’s sexual betrayal. Viewed and worked on from this perspective, true healing becomes possible for the partner who has been traumatized by the addiction. We believe this view also increases the potential for marital healing and restoration if the sexual addict has the capacity to empathize with his or her partner, is committed to his or her own recovery and is committed to the restoration of the relationship. We’ve encountered this change in sex addicts and heard their spouses’ relief at finally being understood.

  Michael shares how finally understanding his wife’s trauma helped change his perception of her pain and his responses to it.

  When you e-mailed Katrine a copy of chapter 1 of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse and I read the page where partners describe how they feel—where they describe the pain created by their partners’ sex addiction—it really hit me. I started to visualize them and the deep hurt they felt. It made me cry to realize I’d done that to Katrine and it softened my heart. Because it helped me understand what she was going through, I was able to let her talk about what she was feeling and cry, even when it happened over and over again during the early months of her healing.

  So is it Co-Addiction or is it Trauma? Why We Ask This Question

  We plead this case for several reasons:• To offer an alternative theoretical framework for understanding and helping the partner of a sex addict following the disclosure or discovery of the addiction in a relationship with a loved one

  • To be a “voice” for the partner

  • To let the partner know that he or she is heard and that we understand and care

  • To help the partner cease attempts to find safety in someone who is not safe and to look to his or her own resources and power

  • To give the partner a perspective that can enable him or her to begin to heal

  • To enable sex addicts to understand what their partners feel and to enable them to empathize with their pain

  The idea that partners of sexual addicts demonstrate symptoms similar to those surviving significant traumatic life events began for us
after listening to partners describe their experiences in counseling sessions, support groups, in letters or emails and as trauma-induced health problems (often auto-immune in nature) afflicted many clients. For Marsha, it also grew out of her own trauma as her personal world fell apart following the re-emergence of the sexual addiction in her marriage. But it was Barbara who had the courage to act on what she heard by returning to school to earn her doctoral degree so she could do valid research on the topic.

  Evidence We Cannot Deny or Ignore

  Barbara asked the female participants in her research study with partners of sex addicts to complete trauma symptom tests. In compiling the results of their tests, it became clear that the characteristics of “co-addicts” read like the description of symptoms common among those who suffer from post-traumatic stress following traumatic events.

  Trauma victims of all kinds respond in predictable emotional, behavioral and physiological ways as their minds and bodies attempt to survive and adapt to a shattering and/or dangerous situation. Trauma, as we noted in chapter 1, can produce some of the following symptoms, among others.

  Attempts to avoid painful stimuli and scan the environment for dangers are common reactions among trauma survivors and it’s no different for partners who’ve experienced sexual betrayal. A partner becomes hypersensitive to any indication that the threat may have returned, whether those indications come from the other partner’s behavior or from the partner’s own reaction to a reminder of the painful past event. Something the sexual addict does or something in the environment, such as a movie scene, a particular person in a restaurant or walking past a lingerie store in the shopping mall, can trigger flashbacks, suddenly throwing the hurt partner into an as-if-it-is-happening-all-over-again alternate reality. Such was Beth’s experience whenever she went shopping.

  For months after I discovered my husband’s compulsive pornography use, I felt so triggered and anxious that even a simple trip to the mall felt like I was entering a battle zone. Every walk down the corridors brought new assaults: stores with displays of women’s lingerie, glossy photos of women looking as if they were in the middle of a sexual encounter and seductive photos of beautiful, young women used to sell perfume, bras and clothes.

  Even a trip to the grocery store proved daunting with the checkout aisles lined with magazines touting stories of “What every man wants” or with photos of gorgeous, large-breasted, scantily-clad women. Each time I saw one of these “triggers”, I felt the sudden and now familiar tug of a fearful, heart-racing, on-the-edge-of-panic sense of anxiety. Tears welled up and I felt fresh pangs of shame and grief. Flashes of memories of the initial discovery of porn on our home computer invaded my mind. All I wanted was to be able to peacefully go out in public again! I began to wonder: Will going shopping ever feel “normal” again?

  Obsessive and intrusive thoughts of the partner’s sexual betrayal can continue to occupy the other partner’s mind and energy as the person seeks safety in what is feared may remain an unsafe situation. And if the loved person continues to act out sexually, dismisses or denies the pain and damage produced by his or her betrayal or does not take action to help restore safety in the relationship, the partner will feel perpetual threat until he or she is removed from the situation and can develop adaptive ways to manage the anxiety and stress produced by the addicted partner’s unsafe behavior.

  It’s Time for a Paradigm Shift

  Both of us have encountered some therapists who recognize that partners suffer from trauma and post-traumatic stress. However, as we’ve noted and Barbara’s research indicates, a complete review of all sexual addiction literature available about partners of sex addicts does not yield research focused on treatments and healing from a trauma perspective. And nearly all the partners we hear from find that most therapists they turn to for help automatically label them as co-addicted and refer them to 12-step groups.

  We believe the evidence indicates the time has come for a paradigm shift.

  The Much-Needed Shift is in the Air

  We are excited to tell you that the needed shift has begun! Presenting her trauma material to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) in the fall of 2006, Barbara’s research was well received.

  And at the SASH 2007 conference, Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., facilitated a workshop entitled Trauma Survivor: Codependent or Crazy? Dr. Carnes cited Barbara’s study as she began her talk, and she included participation by a panel made up of sex addiction treatment specialists who shared their experiences and thoughts on the topic.

  Well-known sex addiction expert Robert Weiss, MA, was among the panelists. Dr. Weiss shared that much of his thinking about partners of sex addicts had formerly been based on what he learned as he worked with sex addicts. He said he compared the “out of control” behaviors he sees in addicts to the “out of control” behavior in partners:My thought was when I first started doing the work [with partners] was, Well these spouses are out of control. They’re doing detective work, they’re eating, they’re spending his money, they’re furious—they need confronting, containing, managing, too.

  That’s my lack of empathy…and that’s why the trauma issues weren’t addressed: because we just wanted to control all that anger and didn’t really understand it.

  I think collectively that they had a right to it. And I think it’s really good news to have the experience of both in our clinic for the last year…because I see spouses de-escalating, you know—feeling validated, feeling supported, feeling understood, being given the space to do what they need to do to take care of themselves and not be called “crazy” because they are so out-of-control [italics added].

  We hope that reading Robert Weiss’s words gives you hope, as it does us. Change is coming. Though paradigm shifts typically take time, this means our children and grandchildren will be met with greater understanding if they, too, are faced with this terrible pain. And it also means that in time husbands and wives will be taught how their addictions have impacted their partners, thus helping couples communicate and attempt to heal together.

  Another psychologist, Dr. Omar Minwalla, has also come to believe that partners of sex addicts, those who have experienced significant sexual betrayal, are trauma survivors. He articulated his beliefs at the 2008 Society of the Advancement of Sexual Health conference. Dr. Minwalla said:Why we as a profession lack awareness of trauma among partners…is really confusing to me…I just don’t get why this is so hard to accept or integrate into treatment. It just seems obvious. The [traditional] model is narcissistic and based in male entitlement. Unfortunately, this has been demonstrated by the fact that by being a male and having a male voice, I opened up dialogue around this issue in the midst of female voices who have been talking about this for a very long time. Any healthy sexual model that does not clearly acknowledge [the issue of trauma] is limited at best, and most likely re-traumatizing and inappropriate. I would also like to say personally, my journey began in a place of cluelessness and I have finally worked my way to a place of clarity and recognition. It really helped me work with partners and couples once I made that shift. I’m personally no longer willing as a professional to endorse the existing model that continues to neglect a very wounded population and I’m committed to challenging this patriarchy.6

  Viewing partners through a trauma lens not only fits the experiences men and women report, it also validates and offers understanding of their pain. And validation and understanding are essential ingredients in helping partners create the safety, support and empowerment they desperately need in order to deal with and begin to heal from the trauma in their most intimate relationships.

  And safety, support and the empowerment to heal are essential liberties we all seek for ourselves, for other individuals and for relationships damaged by sexual betrayal.

  On A Personal Note: After reading this chapter, what do you feel? Has there been a shift in the way you view your reactions to your partner’s sex addiction? What would you like others to know abo
ut your experiences?

  Chapter 3

  Why Your Partner’s Sex Addiction Hurts So Much: Attachment Bonds Betrayed

  Marissa reveals the pain that every person who experiences sexual betrayal feels:Three years into our marriage, I found out about my husband’s emotional affair with my best friend. He also told me he had engaged in a one-night stand. Those disclosures broke my heart. A few years later, I still occasionally had nightmares that woke me up in the middle of the night and left me wide awake in emotional pain.

  Then, just a few weeks before our twelfth wedding anniversary, my best friend’s husband called me.

  “Marissa, I love you like a sister,” he began. “And I hate to tell you this, but I just found a bunch of emails on our computer. They prove that my wife and your husband have been having sex for all of these years. It was never over like they said it was, and it was way more than just emotional!”

  I couldn’t believe what I had just heard! I was shocked; I was numb. The greatest fear in my life was that my husband might be living a double life like so many men in the news. I confronted him with what my friend’s husband told me, and he denied the affair with my best friend. He lied and said they had only kissed. About twenty-four hours later, after I spoke with my friend’s husband again, my husband admitted he and my best friend had had sex.

  “But only a few times,” he said. Then he reassured me it was long over. It wasn’t until a day or two later—after I got new information about a phone conversation between the two of them a few months earlier—that he finally admitted these painful words: “Your worst fears have come true. I use call girls; I’ve used porn; I’ve had cyber-sex.” But even then he didn’t tell me everything. There were more disclosures a few days later.